Doors

 I breathed a loud sigh of relief as I urinated. “I need to slow it down a bit” I said to myself, “else I’m going to pass out in my own vomit.” After a moment of spacing out, I continued talking “What if I vomited on someone? I should – on that jerk who thinks he can talk smooooth. Whenever he opens his mouth–uggh–“ I gagged instinctively. “But why do the girls like it though?” I stared at the wall for a few seconds.

When I came to, I wasn’t peeing anymore. Looking down, I said “You too blanked, eh, bro? We need a break.” I zipped my pants slowly – wouldn’t want bro to get caught. “Speaking of bro, Sid will be looking for me.”

Exiting the bathroom, I took the left down to the party, but decided against it. I headed up to the open terrace which greeted me with an eerie stillness.

“This is scary. What if I fall down the nine floors? Maybe someone will sneak up from behind and push me?”

I spun around. Nothing. But a small room in the far corner.

I lit a cigarette. Staggering along the parapet wall, I could feel the mild thump of music from two floors below. Sid had gone full maniac, booking the top four floors. “I want it to be a night to remember for y’all” he shouted a couple hours ago, raising the whisky bottle standing on the counter. By the way things were going, people would have a hard time remembering their names come morning.

A gentle breeze passed, cool against my face. “Mona looked beautiful…” I trailed off as the image of her walking in to the music, in her fawn lehenga, filled my head. Her hips swaying to the beat– I slapped myself. “Get a grip, man!”

“So beautiful” I whispered. “Lucky Sid.”

I sucked the last of my cigarette and when I tossed the butt aside, I heard a squeak.

Looking at the smouldering remains, I thought “I must have burnt a mouse.” Almost immediately, it struck me – “if I can catch it, I can release it on Mr. Smooooth.” I started to look for it, smiling to myself, imagining him peeing, or even better, shitting his pants.

I heard the squeak again – it was from the room. I tip-toed up to the entrance and delicately pushed the door open, just enough to sneak a peek. It was Mona, not a mouse. I rubbed my eyes. “Where’s the lehenga?” I heard more squeaking.

I nudged the door open slightly more. Rubbing my eyes, I squinted hard. “When did Sid get up her- that’s not Sid-”

I stumbled back, almost falling over the parapet wall. Before the door swung open, I scrambled downstairs. “Thank god I’m dressed” I told myself.

Out of breath and in shock, I pushed past dancing bodies to the counter to gulp down a drink. A few feet away, under the flashing lights, Sid moved incongruously to the beat of ear-shattering music. “How am I supposed to tell my best friend that his other best friend is fucking his fiancé? Or should I say, his fiancé’s fucking his best friend…”

Sid tried to cross his legs and spin around, but tripped and fell off, disappearing behind the bar counter. The crowd fell silent. This was my chance, I thought, as I rushed to him wondering “Even if I sit him down, looked eye-to-eye, and spelled out each word conscientiously, would he be able to hear it?”

He got up on to the counter again, and swayed slightly, before punching the air with both hands. The crowd cheered and he tried the cross-legged spin again, just managing enough not to fall. The crowd applauded and he roared. “Probably won’t” I muttered. “The dumb bastard.”

I sat down unsure of what I should do. People around, danced in the dark, drunk and clueless, about what was happening. “Oh, my god” I realized. “There are people using the cover of the dark to do stuff. Or maybe, they were just waiting for the lights to go.” I felt a heat in my chest, burning a hole, consuming me from the inside. It could’ve been the raw shots I was swallowing, one after another. I thought it might help me not remember stuff when I woke up in the morning.

Instead, I took a detour through memory lane. Mona was my puppy love, and when I failed to confess even after becoming a dog, Mona asked Sid, my dumbass best friend, out. Caught in between them, I had my heart torn and broken, time and again, until I was finally able to feel happy for them. “You’re so lucky to have each other” I’d said to them plenty of times.

My mouth suddenly became dry and tasted bitter. The image of Mona and Adnan flashed before me – I knew that Mona was into yoga but I did not know she was that flexible. “Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!” I banged the table thrice, causing the bartender’s knife to jump in my direction. As the heat inside me welled-up and boiled over, I got up knocking down the chair I was sitting on. “Adnan, you sly, traitorous dog” I said out loud, “I have a bone to pick with you.” Grabbing the bartender’s knife, I staggered in search of them.

A couple weeks later, I watched a family of six walk in and take seats at the reserved table at the far end. I sat at the other corner of the restaurant, nervously pondering how I would break it to my friend of twenty years that his soon-to-be wife was a pony prancing on a pole that wasn’t his. For a second, I forgot about my forthcoming ordeal and chuckled at my attempted description of Mona.

“How else could I say to Sid that Mona’s giving it to someone else rather than himself?” I wondered.

Behind your back, Mona’s backing into Adnan’s front.

You like dogs. Did you know Mona likes doggy?

What do you think sex with Adnan is like? You should ask Mona.

My mouth turned sour and I wanted to throw up. I hurried to the restroom and washed my face - the reflection of myself in the mirror disgusted me. “Why did I have to look through that door?” I said, my head dropping.

“Which door, brother?” asked a man who just stepped out of a stall, hands still adjusting his pants.

“You don’t know this door, brother” I said. “But just a word of advice from a brother – if you’re not sure what’s behind a door, it’s best not to open it.”

A man who had just walked in, stopped in front of the stall the other man had walked out of, and looked at me. And then at ‘my brother’ who just turned away to wash his hands.

When I went back, Sid was seated at the table. I tried to slip back into the washroom but he caught me. As I took the seat opposite him, I felt the familiar heat in my chest. After all the waiting and thinking, I still had no plan. All my head said was, “If I was freaking out this much, what would it do to him?” And the narrative continued without consent.

“I might actually give him a heart attack. That could kill him. Maybe I shouldn’t say a thing. But what if he later learns the truth, and kills me for hiding it. Should I kill him before he kills me? Wait, what am I thinking? I still don’t have a plan!”

“You okay, man?” asked Sid. “You look sick.” 

“No, no. I just phased out a bit. But I do have something to shar- I mean say, but I am not sure how.”

Sid put his hand over mine. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“You would think so” I thought while nodding my head vigorously in acknowledgment. “Well…” I started.

He gave me his full attention. His expression was stern while still holding my hand. It even seemed like he stopped breathing. It gave me the creeps. But that was my moment. I got the cue. Taking in a deep breath, I turned my heart to stone and mustered up the courage. 

“I-“  was cut off by the waiter handing over the biriyani.

He pulled his hand away to receive the bowl. “I ordered while you were in the bathroom. Mutton biryani!” he said, grinning. “I know the wedding is round the corner and I should be dieting. But I couldn’t resist.” And he started eating. The dumb bastard. 

It was as if he’d forgotten I was sitting in front of him. He dug into his plate like he he’d been starving for days. His eyes went back and forth between the bowl and the plate in quick succession. Over the past few years, he had put on quite some weight enjoying a carefree life because things just fell into his lap where he simply sat. Maybe I should just drop it. 

“You know what, Sid?” I thought, “You and Mona like very different meats. You like biriyani mutton. She likes Adnan’s saus-“

“Would you like some?” asked Sid, a little embarrassed, sliding the almost empty bowl toward me. I stared blankly.

”Sorry, man” he said. “It’s been a little stressful planning the marriage. Mona’s family and mine – they just won’t agree on the same freaking thing.”

“It is how it is, Sid” I said. “They want different stuff and you have to deal with it. You know, like what happened now. I wanted to tell you something important and you wanted to eat mutton biriyani. It happens.”

Sid was speechless for a few seconds. He then put his plate away to the side, his face returning to the serious expression he had on earlier as he put his biryani hand over mine and held it tightly. 

“You have my full, undivided attention” he said, fixing his sharp gaze on me. I tried opening my mouth, but couldn’t while keeping eye contact. It was as if I was petrified by the dumb bastard that was my best friend wiping his biriyani hand on mine. None of my zingers, though I thought were good if not great, felt right and I started panicking. My lower lip started to quiver and I started to stutter.

“Hey, man, what’s the matter?“ said Sid. “We got this whatever it may be. You know we can solve whatever the problem. Just breathe.” He held my hand tighter.

Irritated by his oily, sticky hand, I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes. I needed to get it over with. 

Back a couple weeks, I woke up to a head-splitting ache. My body felt sore all over and my vision was blurry. I lay on my side, and under the sheet, I was naked. I rubbed my eyes until they managed to focus – I was facing a pair of exposed breasts. Swallowing hard with a dry mouth, I tilted my head up, my nose dangerously close to a nipple. A long-lost dream had come true in the form of an inescapable nightmare. It was Mona, snoring loudly.

I lurched around on to my back. Slamming the bed, I cried “What the hell happened? How did I-  Where’s the knif-”

My hand fell on something soft. I felt it out – it was disgustingly weird and weirdly familiar. It grew hard in my hand. I craned my neck to the left and found Adnan smiling in his sleep. In a lightning reflex, I pulled my hand back. Calling upon all the strength in my body, I tried to pull myself out of bed. But Mona leaned into me putting her hand around my chest while Adnan crossed his leg over me and dug into my side. “Wake up” I told myself. “You gotta get out of this sticky situation. Wake up!”

“Hey, Vic” said Sid. “What’s up with you?” He stared at me with real concern.

“Uh…Mo…mmm…I…I think…I think I might be…gay?”

Sid looked confused for second, and then pulled his hand away. We couldn’t meet each other’s eyes.

Not long after, I got up, buttoned my coat, climbed the stairs, and took my place next to Sid. Adnan stood next to Mona. The photographer asked us to smile. I tried.

A month after, I sat on the couch next to Sid at his home, looking at the photo on his 75-inch flatscreen.

“You look like you’re going to vomit, man” said Sid laughing at me. “You are so bad at photos.”

“Leave him alone” said Mona. “You don’t have to be mean about it.”

“Yeah…” said Adnan.

“Obviously, you would agree” said Sid. “You look the same.”

Adnan and I looked at each other. We held each other’s gaze for an uncomfortable moment in silence when Mona interrupted. “Come on, guys. He’s being a dick but you are being wimps.”

Adnan was as confused as I was.

“Sorry, guys. But Mona’s right” said Sid. “You are wimps.” And he laughed. Mona hit him on the back.

“Seriously, you guys are getting old and should marry soon. It’ll be great! I mean we’ll have a bigger group and-”

I couldn’t hear the rest of it. “Wow” I thought, “What a dumbass?” Mona sat next to Adnan wearing a sleeveless, low-neck tank top and tight shorts, moving around a bit too much. Yeah, Sid was an idiot, and I could argue in court for that. But I couldn’t help but think the dumbass was just a very trusting friend and lover. “Should I tell him?”

“We’ve got something to tell you guys?” said Sid, pulling Mona on to his lap.

Putting her hand around him, Mona said, “He wanted you guys to know the first.”

In my head, I chanted ”Please, no! Please, no! Please, no!”

They looked at each other, nodded and in chorus, said “We are pregnant!”

“Hell no!” I screamed, standing up.

They were completely lost.

“I meant- heaven no- ah…heaven yeah- damn! I meant hell yeah! That’s right! I meant ‘Hell, yeah!’ Congrats guys!”

I gave them a tight hug before they could say something. Behind their heads, I glanced at Adnan. He just didn’t say it, but he too was feeling the ‘Hell, no.’

Over the next couple years, we drifted apart. Sid tried many times to get us together despite becoming a father to a boy, who I thought looked very little like him. I missed my only friends, but it was too much for me around them. I kept myself busy trying to become a comedian, and I found myself laughing at how amusing life was. Up until Adnan knocked on my door to invite me for his marriage.

“I heard you’re doing comedy” said Adnan, sitting on the couch opposite me sipping on the coffee I made.

“I’m no good, but I try” I said.

“Oh, come on! Give me a joke. I’ll tell if it’s good or not.”

“Alright. Why did the CEO layoff the rest of his company?”

“Why?”

“Because AI told him to.”

“Ah…” said Adnan. “That’s clever.”

“You didn’t laugh though.”

“Fair enough. You are an average comedian.”

“Thank you. I get my jokes from AI.”

“Ha! Clever again.”

“What can I say? I’m a comed-AI-n.”

“Oof…that was terrible.”

“I know. I know.” I put my hands up. “So, when’s the party?”

“Well” said Adnan, scratching his beard. “I’m not having one.”

“Why not?” I asked.

Adnan stared at me until it hit me.

“Yeah, got it. Sorry. I’ve been trying to forget it.”

We sat in silence for a couple minutes, slurping on the coffee.

“Did you invite Sid?” I asked, looking at my empty cup.

“I did” replied Adnan. “He was quite upset about not having a party, and quite angry with the both of us. He was like “You single fucks can’t find the time when I, a dad and a husband, can. Fuck you!” And then he said congrats.”

“That’s our Sid” I said with a smile. “He’s hardly changed, isn’t he?”

“Yeah… But he does seem happier. I wouldn’t say complete, but fulfilled. His son has just…transformed him.”

“What about..Mo- Mona?”

“Well, Sid being Sid, left me alone with her, and went to play with his son. I…ummm…brought up that night…ummm- because I wanted to clear my head, but she simply said she didn’t remember anything and asked if I wanted coffee.”

We stared at each other for a few seconds.

“So, all that time” I started, “you were talking to Sid, and then to Mona,” I paused for a second, “you weren’t offered coffee?”

“Yeah, I know!” said Adnan. “And you know what? It was even worse than this one!” He raised the empty cup.

At Adnan’s wedding, I met Sid and Mona, and their son, Garry. It was awkward to say the least. Sid was trying to act like he was a responsible family man, which, he clearly wasn’t. I didn’t know what to say and wasn’t sure what to do. We were together for a while because we were meeting after a long time and we didn’t really know anyone else. I then said, “I’ll sit there” pointing at a lone empty seat.

Mona pulled me and pushed both myself and Sid into the two empty seats. “You guys need to talk. Period. When we go up there, I want us to be our old selves on that photograph. Sort things out! Garry and I will take that seat over there.” And she left.

I, as always, didn’t know what to say. Sid, being Sid, simply spoke what came to mind.

“Why did you do it, man?” asked Sid. “I know getting married, I’d like less time for you, but it’s just how it is.”

“It’s not that, man.”

“Then why? Why stay away?”

“I was following my dream trying become a comedian.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“I mean, ah…that’s what I’m trying.”

“Fuck you!” said Sid punching me.

“It’s not funny, man. I miss you.”

 I looked at him in the eye for the first time that evening. “I miss you too.”

“Then why?”

“Why can’t you just drop it?”

“I need to know” said Sid, turning the chair towards me.

“I’m not sure you can take it. It wouldn’t be fair to you, nor me.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

There was silence. He then caught my chair and turned it around. We were face-to-face.

“It’s okay. Tell me.”

I couldn’t look away nor could I keep eye-contact. I ran the scenario in my head: “Do you know why Garry does not look like his father?” and Sid would simply ask why. “Because…Mona will tell you.”

“Seriously, tell me” said Sid with an uncharacteristic seriousness.

“I was in love with Mona” I said. It was the first time I’d told anyone, and the first time I’d spoken without thinking through. It was easier than I thought.

“Oh” he said turning away.

“Sid, I know it-”

“I’m sorry, man” he said. “I didn’t know. You must have felt awful.”

“No, no- I knew it wouldn’t work out. I mean I was never as gutsy as yo-”

Sid hugged me. “I’m sorry, man. It must have been tough. You were trying to protect me.”

I felt my eyes get moist. I didn’t want anyone to see it but couldn’t wipe them as my hands were trapped under Sid’s. Hugging him, I dug my face into his suit wiping my face on it.

“That’s nice” said Mona, breaking us apart. She was grinning.

“It’s time we went on stage.”

As we went up, Sid couldn’t shut his mouth. “I’ve so much to tell you, man. Mona and Garry are my world now, and it’s great to be married. I’ve missed you and Adnan. Adnan’s married. You should too. It’s great!”

“Let’s get the picture, first” I said, gesturing him to take his place beside Adnan. As we stood for the image, I couldn’t help but think Mona was right. In that moment, it felt good to be our old selves. Even if it was only a mere reminiscence.

I congratulated Adnan and wished him a ‘fulfilled’ life. While giving him the gift, Adnan caught me looking at a woman on the stage. “That’s Arav. Want an intro?”

“Her name’s Arav?” I asked.

“Arav is her close friend” said Adnan.

“I know it’s your special day” I whispered. “You don’t want me talking about our special night, do you?”

“Victor, chill!” said Adnan, a bit taken aback. “Arav is an event organizer. It would be easier to get to June through him. I was trying to help you.”

“Oh! Cool then. Sorry about bringing ‘that’ up.”

“I hope you were joking.”

“Of, course, I was” I said, dragging Adnan with me to June. “Neither of us comes out good in that.”

A year later, I got married to June. As we sat on the couch of our living room scrolling through the photos, we came across the one with Sid, Mona, and Garry, and Adnan and his wife.

“I think your friends are great” said June. “Especially Sid.”

I smiled at her. She was right. But I couldn’t shake the inexplicable uneasiness the photo aroused in me. I thought I was over it.

Another year later, I paced back and forth along the grim corridor awaiting the news of June and David or Leah. Each time I approached the door, I imagined June’s wails getting louder and louder and as I walked past, I heard the cries of my unborn child. But I dared not look inside.

I slowed down as my legs started to cramp and looked at my watch to realize it was a brand-new day. Instinctively, I reached into my pocket for my phone – the date was the day on which I woke up to the nightmare. Anxious and apprehensive, I stood frozen, until the moans from my nightmare were drowned out by the reverberating cries of my newborn son.

The plump, irritable nurse from earlier congratulated me with a practiced smile from greeting hundreds of fathers. Rubbing my teary eyes, I told myself that I would not cry. While following the nurse to meet my son, it dawned on me that I had become a father. I had brought life into the world for the very first time. I felt heavy and light, excited and nervous. “I want to hold him, but what if I drop him?” I thought as I entered the room.

An exhausted June held David against her bosom. I, without uttering a word, asked her if she was okay, to which she smiled weakly. She extended David out to me and I carefully took him in my arms for the first time. The delicacy of the tiny being frightened me, making me adjust my stance - widening my legs and bending my knees. After a moment getting comfortable, I scrutinized David, squinting hard.

“What” asked June, annoyed by my reaction.

“Nothing. I am not sure if he looks like me.”

“He’s got your best feature.”

“Really? My eyes?” I said squinting again.

“Your nose” said June pointing at her nose.

“Haha” I said and took the baby boy to the entrance. I held him by the side of my head and tried to match our noses in the reflection of the glass pane. I was unable to find the resemblance and got a little restless. My features in the pane suddenly changed and, in my place, stood Arav, waving at me from the other side. He mouthed “Congrats, dad” with a wide grin.

I dropped David.

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