Manifestation

The car wouldn’t go anymore. Leaving the key in the car and the door wide open, I got out with my half-empty bottle of cheap whisky and continued on foot towards the top. I trudged on, on my wobbly legs while sipping on the whisky, not particularly following any trail, just aware that I was heading upward. As I took my last sip, I knocked a couple of stones off the cliff. I had reached the summit.

The city with its grand, colorful lights looked so deceptively appealing from this dark, lonely, peaceful, rocky top. But just having got away from there, I looked at it with hatred and resentment. Somewhere in there, among the lights, was my house, where my wife slept soundly as I stood there looking down at…I don’t know what. It was too dark and I couldn’t really concentrate. Well, I had to kind of know what I was getting into.

After I was absolutely sure that the bottle didn’t have a single droplet left, I dropped it into the abyss. I waited for the sound of the crash of glass. And waited. And waited some more. Nothing. It could have hit water or some grass or was hanging from a branch or something or…someone could have caught it. A great catch it would be. Or on the bright side, the drop was so deep the sound couldn’t travel up to my ears. That would mean instant, explosive death. Yeah, I decided to go with that.

But before I relieved myself of this gratuitous existence, there was this small shrine around I needed to desecrate. I staggered about in the dark trying to find it, and tripped on my own leg. For a moment, I thought that was it – I had taken the plunge before giving it. But fortunately, I hit the ground face-first. It was a good thing I was drunk, or else it would have hurt really bad. I know it because I was too tired to get back up and ended up sitting on a pool of blood dripping from my face.

At that very instant, as I was contemplating how I would get my bloody ass back to the edge, as if by divine intervention, the clouds split open, illuminating the shrine in front of me. It was like God suddenly decided to reveal herself to me. I wondered…did she not see what plans I had in store for her.

This God or so I think she was, sat cross-legged inside a small stone hut-like enclosure. She was naked but her hands weren’t covering her breasts but were folded together, as if in prayer. Maybe she was praying to God. But her face seemed so peaceful yet powerful. Her lips smiled elegantly and her eyes looked at me with kindness. She emanated an essence of inexplicable hope, which made me feel if I cried to her, everything would be taken care of. But no, I was going to make her cry, for all the misfortune she allowed to befall upon me.

“Do you know what you are? A crazy bitch! Yeah, I said it. What I couldn’t say even to my ungrateful, selfish bitch of a wife, I said it to you. You are a crazy, selfish bitch!”

That felt a bit exhaustive. I was taking time to catch my breath as she silently stared at me with those folded hands, like she was sorry.

“Sorry. I didn’t really mean it. I mean I am sorry about the bitch part. The selfish part is true. From here, that place over there looks so nice isn’t it.” I said looking over my shoulder at the lights from the city that never really slept.

“But you know what, being in it isn’t so nice. As a matter of fact, for some….no, for many, it is hell. Everyone just keeps running and even if you don’t want to, either of the fear of being left behind, or of being stuck in the middle of the stampeding mindless crowd, you too start running. Those who are unable to work their legs, get trampled upon.”

I reflected on my own words as I processed them, and I was genuinely surprised at my own articulation.

“Wow. The way I put that together, I am quiet the poet, aren’t I?” I said and waited for a response. But none came except the howling wind gradually grew silent.

“Let me put it simply. Life there is very tiresome. It’s very mundane but people find a way to flaunt the boring lifestyle. It’s the same thing day in and day out and no one really makes an effort to change or bring about a change. They are blindsided by money on all sides and run after it like dogs chasing a bone tied to a stick. Who’s holding the stick? Only God knows.”

I stared at her inquisitively. “Do you know?” I asked her. But again, no response.

“Well, for all the money that people make, much more than they need, they still aren’t satisfied. There are huts among the skyscrapers. Some of those huts, exist only in the word. Children beg in traffic. Hundreds die from hunger. Food is wasted. Water is wasted. Time is wasted. But sliding the window down and offering money to a child while waiting at a red light…I think humanity is wasted.”

I paused for a moment and then continued with a profound sadness which, out of nowhere, overwhelmed me.

“All relationships are motivated, everyone keeps judging everyone, no one really trusts anyone and people don’t really live their own lives.”

I didn’t speak for some time. My head hung down and I stared at nothing. I felt something but don’t really know how to describe it. It was like I finally found a space where I could be sad happily.

“I need to pee.” I said finally because I really needed to pee. I tried to get up but I was too drunk and I think I may have had a concussion. I slipped but a firm but soft hand held me by the shoulder, and waist, and helped me up.

“Thanks. But your help is much needed out there.” I said to her, but I couldn’t see her.

The hands guided me to the edge of the cliff. I managed to unzip on my own and peed.

“I hope you wouldn’t push me down. But even if you did, I wouldn’t mind.” I said to her. “Maybe you can jump with me, give me company. You aren’t doing anything anyway.”

She led me back to where I was sitting and helped me settle down. I turned around to thank her but there wasn’t anyone.

“Playing games, are we?” I asked her, turning back around to find her sitting in the same exact posture inside her shrine.

“Well, I am not in the mood for playing games. Let’s talk about my life. My forsaken life.”

I thought I saw her frown a bit. It may have been my imagination.

“Do you like toss a coin when we are born to decide our fates? Mine definitely felt that way. Like whatever I did was pointless. Let’s start from the beginning.

When I was in school, I used to play football with this rich, fat kid who couldn’t even run. But he had his parents buy him the best shoes and kit. He played while I sat out, because my shoes were worn out because of all the work I put in for that match. I asked him to lend me his, but he wouldn’t. He wanted to play even if we lost, and we did.

Coming to college, I didn’t want to go there. I mean I was pushed into engineering while I wanted to write. My own parents wouldn’t support me. They so very well knew what they were doing. I got better marks writing crap than when I actually wrote the right answers. That’s how despicable the system was and consequently, I couldn’t land a job.   

Honesty is the best policy, but companies don’t buy it. I was rejected again and again because I answered the interview questions honestly. Or in other words, I couldn’t or wouldn’t lie. Those who put on a fake smile and lied through their teeth, that’s what companies required.    

Finally, I succumbed, and found a job. I didn’t want to take it but I did. I had to. Being treated like crap - “All your friends are placed, what are you doing with your life?” – takes a toll on you, especially when they tell you to wear a mask if it means getting the job done.  

But I could never catch a break. People around were moving too fast – from bikes to cars to houses, from girlfriends to wives to kids. My writing wasn’t getting recognized. My work wasn’t bringing results to satisfy desires. And I got rejected by a girl for precisely that. After which, my family found me girl after girl to reject me. When one girl finally said okay, I was happy just not to be rejected. How pathetic is that?

It gets better. I had to strive to give my very best to her, knowing that I could never truly satisfy her, the way her friend’s husbands did. How much can a man do to compensate for being himself? Completely lose himself and his dreams just because she said yes. And then she asks for a divorce. Any more time with me and she would lose her entire life.

Tears rolled down my cheek and hit the ground. The sound of which could be heard distinctly as every other sound seized to exist. If sadness had a voice, that would be it.       

“Always trying to be the best I could – honest, kind, non-judgmental, understanding – never got me anywhere but down in the dumps.  But I believed someday things would turn for the better, that I would be rewarded for all that I was and what I did. But no. It would only get worse. And the tragic part is that I am here trying to end myself while all those who pushed me here are sleeping soundly.

I do blame you. You are also responsible. So, man up and take it. Now help me up like you did earlier and push me down the cliff. Make it quick though. I have suffered enough.”

I tried getting up but I couldn’t and the hands weren’t grabbing me.

“So, you won’t help me even now. I will do it myself just as I have done always.”

I laid on my stomach and started to drag myself towards the edge. I used my hand to pull myself forward and just as I got near the edge, the hands caught my leg and wouldn’t let me go.

“Let me go. I have nothing to live for.”

She just wouldn’t let me go. I was already exhausted, and pulling myself across to the cliff end, had sapped whatever strength I had left. I couldn’t struggle anymore.

“I beg you. Please just let me go. Or make a choice. Help me kill myself or destroy the world that pushed me to kill myself. It has to be me or the world. All my life I have had to make difficult choices and it has led me here. Now, you need to make yours.”

There was a tantalizing moment before she let go. How did I feel at that point? Abandoned. As I had been all my life. I grabbed the edge and got ready for one last pull, when I heard a deafening boom and the sky lit up in fiery red. A huge, flaming rock emerged from the horizon, and descended on the city. All it took was a second. Everything was gone.

I did not know what I should have felt. Guilty? Angry? Pleased? I didn’t really know. All I could think was the world had a chance of redeeming itself. And I had an opportunity at helping it.

Most importantly, God did exist.

**********************************************************************************************************

I parked the car at the very same spot, but this time closed the door behind me when I left. Sipping a premium blended scotch whisky with one hand while smoking a cigarette with the other, I made slow, carefully calculated steps upwards. I reached the cliff with about a quarter of the bottle left and settled down on the edge with my legs dangling.

The city looked beautiful with its lovely lights. Much more colorful and vibrant than during my last visit. Much more devious. Blowing out the last puff of my last cigarette, I looked at it almost sadly. Too bad it had to go. I tossed the cigarette bud away, poured the remaining alcohol into the abyss and then dropped the bottle after it.

I got up and inspected my surrounding, trying to spot the shrine but couldn’t clearly make out things in the darkness. It was a cloudy night with hardly any wind. I pulled out a torch from my jacket pocket and hit a beam of light across the rocky top, and there it was, the shrine, but facing me backwards. As I walked towards it, I found a red patch on the ground. “Weird. Shouldn’t it have been on the other side?” I thought as I walked past the shrine and settled down in front of it.

“Hey. How are you doing? Long time.” I said to her awkwardly.

I vaguely remembered that the statue was smiling last time. Maybe it was part of my inebriated imagination.

“As always, it is I who has to talk, eh. Alright then.” I said. Turning to the city, I continued, “I helped build it back up. The captivating colors lighting it, all that enchanting magic, is my best work. Doesn’t it mesmerize you! You must be proud.”

For a few seconds, or maybe a minute, or maybe more, I just stared at it, taking in the sight as much as I could. It will be a wistful, but motivating memory for the next world I build.

“When I first went back, I was afraid of what I was to see. Of being lonely. Of having to face the ghosts of those I had lost. Of those, I had killed. Each step I took, through the blazing fires, suffocating smoke, and raining ash, felt like walking deeper and deeper into hell. And at the center of it, I would find the devil waiting for me. But no one was there but me. And it was from there I started rebuilding the world anew.”

I got up, took a deep breath and stretched my back. Smiling to myself, I continued with renewed enthusiasm.

“Everything just fell into place. My education finally bore fruit as I designed and supervised the reconstruction of the city. The lights! Oh, how much I love those lights! They were my original and best work. Incredibly artistic, I would say, but the simpletons couldn’t see it. But I am sure you do. And my hard work, was rightfully recognized by the world, and I got the long due respect and appreciation I deserved. Women were all over me but I wanted the best and got the best to be my wife. She looked at me like a savior, just like the entire city did. And that is why I got to run it. They worshipped me. Life was sweet as I lived the dream.”

I let out a long, wistful sigh. Removing my jacket and folding it into a small roll, I placed it on the ground. Cushioning my knees on it, I knelt down.

“I did not tell anyone about this place, not even my beloved wife, because I did not want you to be disturbed. For what you did to me, I felt the need to preserve the sanctity and peace of this place. I couldn’t visit all this time because I was trying to create a world that you would be proud of. And I am sure you are proud of me as I could feel you watching me all this time. Guiding me. Leading me.

But the world just wouldn’t accept the change. However hard I tried, children continued to beg. People still lived in huts when I built them skyscrapers. Food was wasted yet there were people who went hungry. The same with water, except that people were ‘thirsty’. They formed groups and caused divisions. They just wouldn’t accept their calling. They wouldn’t trust me, they wouldn’t accept my judgement, they didn’t understand my noble intentions and above all, they couldn’t live the wonderful life I offered them.

And because I was so concerned and preoccupied with those ingrates, my personal life turned bitter. My children are great but they are fools who do not understand the ways of the world. And their mother, she is corrupting them. Trying to take them away from me. I can’t let that happen. But then I realized that my life has come a full circle. The cycle repeats. Which is why I am here, because I need to. Because the world needs us.”

I sat cross-legged and folded my hands in prayer. With a smile, clear and strong, I spoke my next words.

“I am not going to die. I have so much more to give to this world. So, I want you to give me this. Light up the sky and earth once more so that I shall rebuild it from its ashes. I promise that the new world will be a better one. Until it is perfect, let me try again and again. I shall break the cycle with my perfect world.”

I waited for a response, inspected the sky. Nothing. Not even a crack of lightning. I got up and walked to the edge of the cliff. I let myself fall but didn’t. The hands held me and pulled me back up.

“You won’t let me die. Nor will you destroy the world.” I said as I turned around and saw her.

Taking her hands in mine, looking deep into her eyes, I whispered to her. “If you won’t do what I want, I will take you back with me to the city and you shall live the rest of my life there, but I will not be around when you feel the pain and suffering, the horrors that I won’t let you run away from.”  

Her face was sad, but smiling. For a long moment, almost like an eternity, she stared into my eyes, but I never blinked. Finally, she looked past me, to the sky, and I followed her. The sky burst into flames and a huge, red rock emerged from the horizon with a tremendous boom.

“I love you.” I said to her.

“I love you.” she replied. Her grip on my hands tightened.

“Praise be to God.” I cheered.

“Great holy G…” I couldn’t complete it. The rock had grown bigger and brighter. And was still growing.

I turned to her and she smiled melancholically, holding me tighter.

Turning back to the blinding light, as we disappeared in it, I uttered my last words.

“I still love you.”