My Fortress

I had built a fortress. An impenetrable one, I thought. It wasn’t easy being the only resident and I was prone to loneliness, but the fortress was built for that very reason. To keep myself away from the outside world.

This fortress that I talk about, was built upon the land society provided me, on the foundation laid by my family and with the tools that school enabled me.

The first walls I built were in order to avoid confrontation with strange people, those whom I did not know and didn’t want to. When I stepped into the world, it was these strange people who made me feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable, as they were intrusive. They wouldn’t leave me alone. But to keep in touch with the demands of the world, I had to set up iron-barred windows in these walls to facilitate certain interaction.

When a few of these strange people, over time, became acquaintances and invoked a sense of companionship, I broke a part of one of the walls and installed a door in its place. It was a sturdy door which could only be opened from the inside. It was a choice that I had to make.

Eventually, I let some of them in. But inside this small, closed, cramped space, I felt stifled. There wasn’t enough room for me to breathe and being the host, I had to be hospitable, and it meant they had greater comfort and power than me in my own space, which no longer felt like my own. More importantly, I felt exposed. Though it was cathartic to be able to open up, it felt very uneasy knowing that another knew so much about me, and the fact that I was a simple, very ordinary person in a humble dwelling. And a simple, very ordinary person in a humble dwelling cannot hold the interest of others for no more than a short while. They walked out on me.

It was tough but didn’t matter much because I found it better that way. I was content on my own but wasn’t with my little room. So, I put together a light armor, for short explorations, and ventured outside. And through these explorations, I gained and kept gaining knowledge and understanding of myself and the world. I was able to build wall after wall, room after room, floor after floor, basement after basement, door after door. And now I had a fortress.

The fortress had huge walls, watch towers, massive gates and layers and layers of solid rock to my deepest chambers. At the heart of the fortress, was the same small room, my humble abode, where I slumbered. No one was allowed there anymore. It was my space and mine alone.

I was now comfortably able to allow a lot more people in, but they were restricted to the outer spaces. Hardly anyone managed to gain approval to my innermost chambers. But those who did, were there to stay. I wouldn’t let them out even if they wanted to. Not without confrontation, though I hated it.

I had put so much thought and effort into building this complicated maze of a fortress, I was pretty sure it couldn’t even be breached, let alone be wrecked. Until she came about.

She was not very attractive. Nor was she interesting. And to her, I, the same. My fortress wasn’t one to draw such attention. We had nothing in common which was why she took me by surprise, when she knocked on my door hoping that I could offer closure and I couldn’t refuse. Why? My fortress had weaknesses I didn’t realize.

Trying to aid her, I had actually allowed her deep into my fortress. She made me feel different, a kind of happy I think, and I found a strangely satisfying companionship in her. I started to find her attractive, beautiful, in fact. I wanted to take her to my small room, but I was scared and afraid. I didn’t want any regrets either. Somehow, I mustered the courage and opened the room to her, and that was when she left. And I couldn’t stop her. The room was cursed that way.

But I couldn’t just do nothing. I put on my heaviest armor and left my fortress in pursuit of her on a long, arduous journey. It was very hard, leaving my fortress, and the journey, even harder. I had to climb rocky, treacherous mountains, swim past huge, unrelenting waves, trudge through deep layers of burning sand and freezing snow, and weather raging storms that almost crushed me. Beaten and battered, armor almost completely stripped and hanging by threads, I managed to find her palace. I called out to her, and she responded, but I could only hear her voice. Neither did she come out. Nor did she let me in. I waited and waited and called out to her again and again, until silence was the only response.

My journey back was actually easier. I didn’t have any fight in me. I let the storms hurl me, the waves toss me, the sand and snow bury me, and going down the mountains, I just fell from rock to rock, until I lay down on my face at the gates of my fortress. Only thing, when I finally managed to get up, there weren’t any gates. It was no fortress there. It was a dilapidated ruin, crumbling away. I managed to find my room in the rubble, it was still there, but the walls were gone. I was completely naked.

It has been sometime since then. I am now building an even stronger fortress. Walls made of thick iron. Layers and layers of walls. And heavy doors that require an insane effort to push open. I am even thinking of adding some firepower – canons and catapults, to add a greater depth to my fortress. I know it’s going to take time to complete this fortress, but I think I will never stop building though.