A love letter, at last

“Dear David,

                     I had always dreamt of having a boyfriend, and I used to wonder what he’d be like. I imagined he’d be tall, handsome, smart and kind. And you know what – dreams do come true, now that I have you.

I can still remember the day we met like it was yesterday. We were at Andrew’s wedding. I was dancing on the stage when my eyes met yours. The way you looked at me – I fell, into a trance. Time just slowed down and my mind went blank. I don’t know how much time passed, but when I came back to my senses, I was the only one standing. It was so embarrassing. Everyone was staring at me. I ran away and hid in the chapel. I had many mixed feelings. I was embarrassed I forgot the steps and everyone had seen me. Embarrassed that you had seen me in that weak moment. And excited you had put me in that moment. I was struggling to compose myself when your hand gently touched my shoulder. I turned around, and this time when our eyes met, everything was clear. I had found the love of my life.

You always ask me why I love you so much. I am writing it down for you so that you can remain your charming self.

You are really handsome, but you do not care much about your appearance, nor that of others. You always look beyond looks.

You are a kind man.  Always generous, not just with money, but also with words, affection and love. Just make sure you have enough for yourself.

The way you treat people equally and with respect, I love it. You do not judge anyone and always tell me that what people are, are because of their circumstances. Your willingness to try to understand is something I have hardly seen in anyone.

I love the way you look at me. I feel beautiful even when I am not looking my best.

I love your gentle touch. When you hold me, I feel safe and warm. I could sleep like a baby, without a care in the world.

Most importantly, I love the way you make me whole. You are the love of my life. You mean the world to me. But now I must leave you.

There is so much more I want to tell you, and in person, but I don’t want to burden you with my pain and suffering. Honestly, I don’t have the courage. But for my sake and yours, you need to stay strong.

When you are reading this letter, I am probably on the other side. I want you to know that this decision was not made in haste. I did what I felt was right.

The other day at the party, at Andrew’s house, after you passed out, Andrew violated me. I screamed, but you didn’t hear me. I was in so much pain and all I could feel was shame. He continuously talked about how much I enjoyed his touch. It was so disgusting. There was no way I could let you see me. And I can’t face the world.   

I didn’t want to let you know, but if I didn’t, it might happen to someone else. It is the least I could do.

You always gave me what I asked.  My final wish is you don’t do anything stupid and ruin your life. You have so much to give. Help the law deliver justice.

I want you to know our memories together are most comforting in these last minutes that I am alive. I will always cherish you and watch over you.

Love you forever,

Mia”

 

I mailed it to myself.

I took a few seconds to compose and organize myself.  It was ten past midnight. I was tired, emotionally and physically, but still had work to do. The sooner, the better.

I grabbed her cup from the bedside table. I had had coffee and I made Mia have milk. I left my cup on the table.

As I washed the residual coffee from the cup, I remembered I got the pair for us on Valentine’s Day so that we spend a lot more time over coffee rather than on the phone. When placed together, the cups formed a heart. Holding just the one, it looked like a droplet of blood. I dried it and made sure it smelled like the other cups.

I found her phone on the bed. It was how I surprised her on her birthday. Our first selfie together was the lock screen image. Connect a few a dots, and it unlocked.

I checked for call recordings. I had called her from a phone booth earlier in the day—  

“Mia, just listen and don’t ask questions. You need to go to R Medicals and get a pregnancy test kit. It’s an emergency and I need you to do it immediately. I will meet you in half an hour and will explain then. It has to be from R Medicals. Can’t stay here too long. See you soon.”

No recording found.

I placed the bottle with the rest of the pills beside my cup, on the bedside table. I had visited R Medicals before Mia, and had stolen it. They had no cameras and I had bought condoms with cash, so they did not record my details.

Her handbag lay on the chair. It was my first gift to her. I was so confused and had put so much thought into it. I had decided to play it safe and got her the bag, thinking I can later sneak gifts into it.  I took the pregnancy test kit from inside and threw it to the corner across her bed. 

I turned to the bed. Mia was sleeping peacefully, like a baby. I sat beside her, took her hand and held her ring finger. I slipped the diamond ring out carefully.

When she came back from the store, I was already in her apartment.  She was startled and started with the questions— how did I get in? Why the kit? Why I was wearing gloves? I simply kneeled down and offered the diamond ring in exchange for her hand in marriage. He stood speechless. I had bought it with the same intention, but had planned for a future date. Hoping to get married, have children, grow old together…

I looked at the time. 12.30. I needed to be home before 1.00. I never missed a Barca match.

From the inside of my jacket pocket, I took my fake beard and moustache, and wore it. I was about to climb out of the bathroom window when it struck me. I went back, grabbed the pill bottle, and made her hold it in her hand. I placed it back in its place.

As I was walking back home, I thought about the other day. Andrew’s party. His wife was away on work. That night, I had had a good drink and didn’t want to go home. So I pretended to be passed out on the couch when Mia tried waking me up. She gave up and for some time, I was alone. I felt guilty and sorry for her. So I went looking for her.

In Andrew’s bedroom, I found them naked—Mia kneeling before him. He grabbed and pushed her on the bed. When he brought out the condom, she told him it was a safe day and that they could do it raw.

I stood by the door. I kept my eyes on her—it wasn’t her. It didn’t help. I turned away and listened to her—it wasn’t her. It didn’t help. I ran back and lay down on the couch—nothing had happened.

For a long time, I just lay there hoping she would come and wake me up and the nightmare would end. But it was Andrew who woke me up. He told me he had given her a ride back home. There was no helping me. The nightmare couldn’t end. 

I removed the beard and moustache and threw them in the public dumpster. I got into my house through the window. The match was almost up. My neighbor, a friend, knew I never missed a Barca match, and that I watch it loud. Barca won the match. Finally, we both could get some sleep.

The following morning, I was woken up by the police. I read my email and cried. For the first time since the party. I had held it inside until this moment. With reality came real pain.

When my eyes met yours, the way you looked at me – I fell, into a trance. Time just slowed down and my mind went blank. I didn’t know how much time passed, but when I came back to my senses, I shouldn’t have pursued you.